Vamp Vs Wild
by RouletteDares
Summary: Ignorance is not always bliss as Emmett learns after a long day's worth of hunting with his 'beloved' brother, Edward. "So much for a 'truce'." All vampire. Emmett, Edward, some Alice. Rated M, just in case.


Disclaimer: I do _not _own Twilight, Winnie the Pooh or any of the Bloodhound Gang's singles. I merely merged these three things together to create a story that would be over before you know it. Sob.

Just a head's up, this story entails mild pranks, excessive cursing and slight _mention_ of animal slaughter (I promise, I will NEVER go into detail). Let's be realistic, we tend to attach ourselves emotionally to cute animals and the thought of them... dying, is disturbing, but in canon with the storyline of Twilight, our vampire friends are "vegetarian" and have to eat _something_. So, for the sake of my story, let's put our hatred against the murdering of animals aside for a moment; if it's any consollation, these 'animals' are not the cute type, any how. Okay, fair warning.

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"Alice, have you seen my swimming trunks hanging around here?"

Emmett's voice boomed into the room, along with the pound of his footsteps. He'd been searching for his "formal" apparel, but to no avail. It'd been over two hours and his search had been futile; his cowboy had was no where to be found, his tool belt missing without motion and now, his swimming trunks were a thing of the past.

With a heavy sigh, he knelt down, pressing his stone face to the hardwood floors while he scanned underneath the sofa. It wouldn't be so difficult to discover his lost belongings if he were more organized, Rosalie would always say, but being organized was not a trait he admittedly attained. Being bold and high-spirited, now, _those_ words on their own described the cuddly monster of a man and he wanted to stay true to himself through his outlandish attire.

"Gosh, Emmett. Why would I know where that junk is? Or even care, for that matter!" He heard Alice's complaint spewing from her upstairs bedroom.

_Women_. He thought.

They are all the same. Vampire and mortal, alike. They spend the vast part of their day, 'putting on their face' as Alice likes to call it, but think they have the right to judge men in the same department. Heck, give him his necessities beforehand instead of expecting him to hound around his own house for these things and he'd be ready before you could blink. _Such hypocrites, those lesser life forms, _he thought.

"You're going to find them in the storage chest behind you." She yelled out, obviously having a vision in which he completes his search. "And in case you're looking, Jasper's cowboy hat is in there, too!" He retracted his thoughts on his vampire sister, mentally embracing her in a bear-like hug but neglecting to actually bring it to life.

He hopped with glee and rushed over, opening the compartment that held his beloved hunting items and kissed the object a few times when he realized the proof genuinely laid inside. He'd have to go sans his handy tool-belt, but that was all right, he'd likely be hindered by the extra weight, anyway.

"Thanks, sis!" He belted out his appreciation. She only rolled her eyes at his ignorance, fully aware that he couldn't see her response.

Putting the finishing touches together, he gave himself a once-over at his reflection in the mirror. He was pleased with what he saw. He bent over to retrieve his sneakers just in time to witness Edward's arrival from work.

"Hey, Em." He greeted, his dark eyes giving away the extent of his hunger.

"Eddie, my man!"

"Are you ready?" Edward inquired then shook his head at the sight of his brother's clothing selection. He opted out of commenting on the vampire's poor choice of fashion and instead verbalized the very reason why Emmett dolled himself up to begin with. "Let's go eat. I'm famished!"

Emmett hollered in the direction of his sister's bedroom, hoping to convince her one last time to tag along, but her response remained as it were two hours ago, before his preparation.

"No thanks, Em. I've seen enough."

Though his sister acquired the amazing talent of foreseeing events, she rarely brought up her premonitions to avoid any confusion, as they weren't always accurate. It peeved Emmett to not be made aware of these so-called 'premonitions' through Alice, but her traitorous actions were compensated by Edward's telepathy. Even if she refused to say anything, he'd still find out through his brother. And he was particularly interested with the outcome of today's outing, because as soon as Alice declared her independence from group hunting, Edward commenced the laughing. And it wasn't a cute little snicker, or even a giggle- it was a full on, hearty, breath-catching kind of laugh. If vampire tears were possible, Edward would be rolling in them, no doubt.

"What's so funny?" Emmett cried, only to spur on some more laughter. Once he realized Edward was too engrossed with his little giggle-fit, Emmett snatched up his scarf and wrapped it three times over his neck, making a beeline to the entrance of the home. In his frustration, he knocked over the coat rack, and hoped Edward would correct it so Esme wouldn't have his ass later. _Bitch boy_, he thought, more concerned about whether or not his brother was laughing at his expense while withholding life-altering information. _Nah_, he defended Edward, knowing his brother would never intentionally do something so heinous for his own entertainment. He'd retain Edward's innocence until his bitch boy of a brother fucked it up on his own.

Even Edward's car was a bitch boy car. Let's face it, with as wealthy as their family is, blessed be, he could still remain inconspicuous with a more masculine car. And his hair- the girls call it 'sex hair', Edward simply claims it untamed, but to Emmett, it's bitch boy hair. And don't get him started on his bitch boy obsession with the new girl! _What was her name? Ah, who cares!_ His anger towards Edward's lack of consideration and refusal to share Alice's vision was growing by the minute.

He grumbled at the turn of events, replaying in his mind only but a few minutes prior when he was excited about his impending excursion; now, not so much.

Once they exited their home, they immediately sped off to the forest, thicker now with trees since spring had just arrived, and came to a rest mid-way. They'd been over this procedure many times before, Edward primarily, being that he'd been a vampire for many more decades than his seemingly older brother. The area in which they stood exhibited a patch of dead grass; they knew once this spot was reached, it was time for target training. All they had to do was wait patiently so as not to startle their prey.

Edward crouched and hoped Emmett would follow suit but didn't like his chances. The more dense of two didn't do as Edward hoped, of course, his mind was too far away. Edward couldn't afford his brute brother being distracted, but expected the vampire would recognize his surroundings and join in on the act soon.

"You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals" Emmett's internal voice sang, completely unmindful of the painstaking torture he was putting Edward through. "So let's do it like they do on the Disco-"

Edward could endure no more, "Emmett!" he cut the other vampire off after having to listen to Emmett's thoughts repeat the same song for way too long.

For a moment, Emmett seemed bashful about it and apologized, claiming he'd momentarily forgotten about Edwards talent, but then he remembered he was supposed to be mad at Edward and went right back to chanting the horrible song.

A mile away, the sound of bristling leaves reached the vampires' ears. Lunch was well on its way.

"Edward." Emmett called out, finally alert. Edward only looked back in warning, there was no way he'd lose an easy catch to his brother's oblivion.

"Edward." Emmett called again, this time a bit louder. Still, Edward focused only on the animal up ahead as it made its way to him. He chose to ignore his brother's antics while he steadied himself for the upcoming attack. A cougar paced nearby, and though it was no mountain lion, it would suffice in pacifying his thirst for another week or so.

The animal was so close now. Its steady heartbeat pounded loudly in its chest. The unsuspecting creature traveled alone, focusing on its dinner just as advertently as Edward focused on _it_. His throat burned, his desire consumed him entirely. Just a few more steps and he would pounce on the predator, ending its life while simultaneously defying nature's way.

"Bitch boy!" Emmett shouted now, deliberately alerting the animal of their intentions, frightening it away, and successfully pushing Edward's patience over the brink.

"God, damn it! Emmett! What the fuck!" Edward exploded in a tantrum of expletives, pulling his 'sex hair' from its roots.

Emmett only pursed his lips in response, wondering why _Edward_ was snapping at _him, _when clearly, he was the only one who had the privilege of being upset at the moment.

"I thought you were hungry!" Edward growled in accusation, rather than question, he'd had enough with Emmett's selfish and careless ways.

"I was.." Emmett began "unfortunately, I lost my appetite right after you went all bitch-boy on me."

"Can you _stop_ with the 'bitch boy'!" his brother ordered "I've been hearing that since you first pitched that pussy fit earlier and it's annoying!" his crazed black irises spread over the whites of his eyes, "I'm not going to tell you what Alice saw, so get over it!" His chest heaved; his hunger had officially won. At any moment, he would leap on his brother; he'd tackle him to the ground and teach him a lesson. Alas, he had no strength for that, so he desisted.

He was becoming desperate, the calm in their area had been disrupted, thanks to Emmett, so they'd have to find another spot to hunt. It wasn't very likely for an animal to wander off to a place where another bolted out of. It may be another hour before they found some other beast to feast on.

Normally, the hunt would transpire briskly, but the fact that the two were over-starved resulted in a much more passive approach.

Edward sighed, dragging his heavy feet behind him, stabilizing his emotions long enough to find his next mark. He could not risk draining what little energy he currently hoarded on his airhead of a brother.

And then, _it_ happened.

The justification to the torment he experienced in Emmett's company.

Alice's vision.

Emmett back-mouthed his brother's small rant, imitating Edward with a babbling hand puppet.

"Know what I think of that?" Emmett responded and then turned around, pulling his pants, along with his undergarments, below his knees. He bent low enough so that Edward could have the perfect view of his full ass. _Wish vamps had bowel movements, cause I'd totally shit on you, right now!_ Emmett thought, but all in good nature. Before Emmett had a chance to react, a black bear approached their location, wildly lashing its claws at the hunched-over man. Had he not been so intent with mooning his brother, he may have realized that a cub stood near-by, whimpering for its mother's defense. With great effort, Emmett attempted to raise his pants, but a lone claw slashed the fabric in half. In response, Emmett shrieked and leaped into the nearest tree, losing his scarf in the process.

"Edward, you son of a bitch!" He cursed his brother, who was now slapping at his thigh in the same healthy laughter from earlier, a tree-length away. "Oh, when I get you!" He warned in his comical voice.

Slowly, Edward's energy manifested upon itself and his laughter subsided. He couldn't have asked for a better conclusion to his trip. Fully regenerated, he came to a truce with his brother, claiming the cub as his lunch while leaving the adult for Emmett. It was the least he could do after baiting his brother into his trap.

They flew off of the trees, attacking the animals and finally getting their fix. Once they were entirely satisfied, they headed back home.

Edward made sure that Emmett trailed behind at a reasonable distance. There was no way in hell he'd be forced to stare at the other vampire's rear end the entire walk home.

When they reached their destination, Emmett slammed the door open, dropping the same coat rack from before.

He bore a hole through the back of Alice's head with his vision, as she sat on the couch across the entrance way. Her eyes adjusted on her recently applied nail polish, when she finally acknowledged Emmett and Edward's presence.

"So, how did it go?" she tittered.

"Screw you, Alice!" Emmett marched passed her, his bare ass on display for his family to see.

"What the hell happened?" Rosalie pursued him, her voice oozing with concern.

Edward situated himself next to Alice on the couch, he yanked the television remote control from her lap and switched on the power.

"Sorry about all the trouble." She rationalized, knowing her brother well enough to see that he was annoyed.

He stared into the television screen for a while, before he spoke.

"It was well worth it." He jolted up from the couch, all the while pressing the record button on the remote. "Make sure Emmett 'accidentally' runs into this later." He demanded of Alice and then stalked off to his room.

She stared at the TV and processed the visual before she burst out into hysterics.

_Winnie the Pooh_.

So much for a 'truce'.

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